Communicating with a Parent or Loved One Who Has Dementia: The Do's and Don'ts

Understanding Memory Loss 

Memory loss is the primary challenge for people with dementia. Asking them to remember things is like asking a blind person to see; it is cognitively something that they are unable to do and often is the cause of upset or distress, not only for the person that is experiencing dementia, but also for their loved ones. If you have a loved one that is experiencing memory loss, it is crucial to adjust your expectations and approach to communication to minimize agitation and upset for your loved one as well as yourself.

 Key points: 

- Avoid asking questions that require them to recall information.

- Understand that their reasoning ability is diminished, so expecting logical responses is unrealistic.

- Don't correct, contradict, blame, or insist. Reminders only highlight their disability and do nothing to promote memory recall.

 What to do to foster communication: 

1.  Give short, simple explanations. 

2.  Allow plenty of time for understanding. 

3.  Repeat instructions exactly the same way. 

4.  Avoid insisting; try again later if necessary. 

5.  Agree or distract them with different activities. 

6.  Take the blame when something goes wrong, even if it’s not your fault. 

7.  Leave the room to avoid confrontations. 

8.  Respond to their feelings, not their words. 

9.  Be patient, cheerful, and reassuring. 

10.  Practice total forgiveness and understanding. 

 What to avoid doing: 

1.  Don’t try to reason. 

2.  Don’t argue. 

3.  Don’t confront. 

4.  Don’t remind them they forget things. 

5.  Don’t question recent memory. 

6.  Don’t take it personally. 

 Examples of effective communication: 

 Scenario: “What doctor’s appointment? There’s nothing wrong with me.” 

-  Don’t:  Reason with detailed explanations.

-  Do:  Give a short explanation: “It’s just a regular checkup.” Apologize: “I’m sorry if I forgot to tell you.”

 Scenario: “I didn’t write this check for $500. Someone at the bank is forging my signature.” 

-  Don’t:  Argue.

-  Do:  Respond to the feeling: “That’s a scary thought.” Reassure: “I’ll make sure they don’t do that.” Distract: “Would you help me fold the towels?”

 Scenario: “Nobody’s going to make decisions for me. You can go now…and don’t come back!” 

-  Don’t:  Confront.

-  Do:  Accept blame: “I’m sorry this is a tough time.” Reassure: “I love you and we’re going to get through this together.” Distract: “Don has a new job. He’s really excited about it.”

 Scenario: “Joe hasn’t called for a long time. I hope he’s okay.” 

-  Don’t:  Remind them of recent calls.

-  Do:  Reassure: “You really like talking with him, don’t you?” Distract: “Let’s call him when we get back from our walk.”

 Scenario: “Hello, Mary. I see you’ve brought a friend with you.” 

-  Don’t:  Question their memory.

-  Do:  Provide a short explanation: “Hi Mom. You look wonderful! This is Eric. We work together.”

 Scenario: “Who are you? Where’s my husband?” 

-  Don’t:  Take it personally.

-  Do:  Go with the flow: “He’ll be here for dinner.” Distract: “How about some milk and cookies? Would you like chocolate chip or oatmeal?”

 Scenario: “I’m going to the store for a newspaper.” 

-  Don’t:  Repeat instructions differently.

-  Do:  Repeat exactly: “Please put your shoes on.” “Please put your shoes on.” 

 Scenario: “I don’t want to eat this! I hate chicken.” 

-  Don’t:  Respond negatively.

-  Do:  Accept blame: “I’m so sorry, I forgot. I was in such a rush that it slipped my mind.” Respond positively: “Let me see what else we have available.” Leave the room and try again.

By following these do’s and don’ts, you can make communication with a parent or loved one who has dementia more effective and compassionate. If you're looking for more resources in Kansas City; Jackson County, Missouri; or Johnson County, Kansas, you can fill out the form here, and we will happily connect you with trusted resources that can help.